Sunday, June 18, 2017

The 8 Destroyers of Happiness

8 Destroyers of Greatness and Happiness

Many factors can undermine the greatest of plans and the best of intentions. They can turn a visionary into a paper-pusher, a dreamer into someone who knows only regret. Ultimately positive change is a decision we must make every single day. Are we going to sit on the sidelines of life or are we going to participate?

(1)  Availability. Often we settle for what's available - and what's available isn't always great. "Because it's there" may be a great reason to climb a mountain, but it's not a great reason to accept a job, a marriage proposal or even a free sample at the grocery store. Don't settle for mediocrity, availability or "good enough."

(2)  Ignorance. When we don't know how to make something great, too often we simply won't. When we don't know that greatness is possible, too often we don't even attempt it. All too often, we truly don't know any better than "good enough". Understand that greatness doesn't arise from the distraction and busywork that often fills our lives - it comes from thinking, planning and acting to make a difference in the world.

(3)  Consensus. Nothing can deaden or destroy a good idea quicker than a mandatory consensus. The lowest common denominator never is a high standard, so understand your individual commitment to group efforts and push for the highest good of all. Keep your ideas flowing, don't wait for inspiration to strike, but commit to producing strong and creative ideas regularly - and then act on them This can include bringing old elements into new combinations, and seeing positive relationships and opportunities in the world and people around you.

Sabotaging others by seeking the consensus of other's opinions, rather than, being an independent thinker.

(4)  Comfort. Why pursue greatness when you've got the premium cable package, the remote and a comfortable recliner? Pass the pretzels and forget about any grand plans. Set aside some quiet time for yourself to think, meditate, connect with yourself or be creative. Carve out a bit of privacy to cultivate those thoughts and actions that are uniquely and beautifully your own even in the most intimate of relationships.

(5)  Momentum. You've been doing it for years. Maybe it's not so great, maybe it's a rut, but it's what you know, and it's comfortable. Many people refer to their ruts as careers and marriages. Commit yourself to stepping out of your comfort zone, casting a new vision for your life, setting initiatives in place, launching new projects or creating meaningful art toward results that will bring positive energy to your life.

(6)  Passivity. There's a difference between being agreeable and agreeing to everything. Develop your communication skills - listening as well as speaking, and understand that passive aggressiveness is a poor coping mechanism. Always speak with integrity and say only what you mean. Keep your words loving and truthful. Trust your instincts when "they" tell you something is a bad idea - and trust them when they tell you that you can reach for a star!

(7)  Expectations. Often, we project our expectations on others - they're "supposed" to somehow know what you expect them to do. When they don't perform to our satisfaction, there's often anger, drama and unhappiness. Find the courage to open the lines of communication to express what you really want and agree upon mutually acceptable ways of living and working together with others. Transform your life and your relationships by being sincerely complimentary reasonable, grateful and courteous.

(8)  Offense. Don't take everything others say and do personally. Almost nothing others do is because of you, rather, their unkind or unthinking words and actions are a projection of their own realities or their own dreams. Do not make yourself the victim of needless suffering by assuming others are putting you down or by holding grudges over trivial matters. Avoid judgment, abuse, revenge and regret by focusing on your own reality and dreams, and doing your best from moment to moment.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Tripped Up Ending

He is an oil glide 
On an information highway 
Attention intent on his rear view mirror 
Of his past
Missing out on the scenery of this 
Beautiful drive 
Never saying what he means 
Never meaning what he says 
Once must read between the crossing 
Of his lanes 
Capturing his life through the lens
Of his camera
Never present in the moment 
It is all a push and pull 
Swing and a miss
Never going with the flow 
We could have had a beautiful road
Trip never-ending 
Instead he was just a tripped up 
In the middle of my week.  

Friday, January 10, 2014

I Want to Tell You That I Love You..

I want to tell you that I love you. But you would not understand. It would frighten you into thinking that it means I want to cage you and slap it with labels of ownership. But I love you and that is not what it means. You think I don’t even like you at times. And I suppose you are right. But it does not mean that I do not love you for I love you with all my might.

You should know that I do because I cook for you. I’m Sicilian and love is all about the food. This is how I care for you. I am not filling you with food; I am filling you with my passion, my love my heart.
You should know that I love you because I am constantly touching you. You should know that I love you when my head dips and I look up at you through lowered lashes and my inner thoughts of desire lift up the one corner of my mouth.

You should know that I love you because I keep your pictures in my phone. I repeatedly look at it throughout the day and butterflies light up my stomach. And I tell you how much it makes my day to see you in that distant way.

You should know I love you when I expose my vulnerability to you. When I express my sadness and level of stress and you hear it in my voice that I am not myself and you know that nothing is perfect and you rush to find the words to make everything okay for me. This is how I know you love me even when you do not think it is true or ever could be.

You should know that I love you when I listen to you without interruption while I chop vegetables. I am biting my tongue all the while. I want to fix things for you, but I know that it is more important to listen to what you are trying to tell me without directly telling me.

You know I love you when I am honest with you. When I am blunt and it hurts too much to hear. But most of all you know I love you when I die inside knowing that I hurt your feelings. And I did die because I acted carelessly. And though I’ve apologized a thousand times I will apologize a thousand more because I would never want to hurt you.

You know I love you because I am thankful for you being in my life. You know I love you when I am okay with your opinion that is so different and wrong and beautiful at the same time.

I want to tell you that I love you, but you would not understand. I do not want to cage you and slap you with labels. My love is not that kind. My love is to liberate and educate and learn and have fun. My love is serious and magic all at the same time. My love is to celebrate that I am for you and you are for me and the difference between is where we are free. I want you to love me but I do not think that you can I do not think that you do, but just know that the only thing that matters is that I love you.

To Love A Serious Girl

I saw this today and I wanted to share. You see I'm a Serious Girl. I'm complicated and complex. And this fits me to a T. Happy Hour wasn't meant for me.

To Love A Serious Girl. {Poem}

Via on Jan 8, 2014
Photo Courtesy Margo Connor
Warning: naughty language ahead!

She ain’t casual.

She’s serious in the fanciest of ways.
She means every word she says as she prays.
She ain’t a liar, the opposite in fact.
She’s a truth sayer, a lie slayer.
She’ll find a way in, because love always does.
She’ll break you on purpose.
It’s okay to be nervous.

Her only demand?
Honesty without command.
She’ll fuck you with her questions
 you cum with the answers you didn’t know you had.

She’s complicated, she’s always been.
You’ll never unravel her.
Don’t try, you can’t win.
She’s smart, not to be confused with sly.
Live twisted in her mystery until the day you die.

Don’t take her to happy hour,
unless you want to be there till closing.
Happy hour was created for those other girls—
The girls who look like women
and the women who act like girls and seem frozen.

She’s neither of those.
You’ll know it immediately too,
 if she’ll look at you.
It’s in her eyes.
They’ll conquer you. 

She’ll seem shy.
She’s not, just careful.
She knows what she’s capable of—
So, if she looks at you,
She chooses you.
Be grateful.

You’ll feel sexy.
Sexier than you’ve ever felt,
Cause you just saw yourself in those eyes,
you melt.  
It’s hard to look away after that.
Virginity you thought you lost, way back. 

She’ll swallow you, like the whale to Jonah. 
You’ll disappear as if she owns ya.
Your cock, your mind, your heart—
it will seem
You’re safer than you’ve ever been.
She’ll spit you out whole in the end. 

No need to be afraid,
she isn’t, 
Of any of it cause she’s already lived it.
Like she’s been inside you too.

To love a serious girl is what you need.
A muse she is indeed.
She’ll ravage you with inspiration.
Her passion is suffocatin’.

You’ll gasp for understandin’ for the rest of your life,
Cause you know—
The casual ones don’t compare,
not to her and that stare.
She ain’t them, they ain’t her
And boy,
you seriously ain’t nothin’ without her.
By Rebecca Lammersen

Monday, December 16, 2013

Learning and Unlearning

I have been starving myself for a long time in many ways
The loss is a cleansing of sorts that has left me dazed and in disbelief
But this is what I am learning

I am saying yes and I am saying no
I am refusing starvation and deprivation of the soul
I can clearly see the historical timeline leading up to now

And then there is you

Filling and feeding and teaching me your way a new way
You directly defy all that I know about the world in which we live
About the way things are done
You look at me and you instantly become the object of my desire
And the rest of the world disappears

But I should never want anything myself and I would never want to contain you

I shall never seek to own you… own that which is not mine to own
Although, admittedly I dream of sharing a toaster with you
I dream of sharing a bedroom with a closet that contains my clothes and yours…but I digress
That is most likely just a dream and I could only be so lucky
But my luck has not run that way for quite some time

With you I am learning and I am unlearning

And I am trying to stay safe, I adapt to the chaos of you in a haphazard and dangerous way
And I feel alive and as if I am suffocating and breathing at the same time
It would be easy to minimize the growing pains that loss and fulfillment brings
It would be easy to minimize the hunger that grows

Because the hunger will eat me alive

I cannot stop things from leaving me or being taken from me
I cannot stop from falling in something with you
I cannot stop the pain that I will feel when you take that something away from me
I dream that you never will.. but with my luck you will

I have not been loved in a very long time my luck does not run that way
and it will not be until all of my luck runs out that I will ever be loved again
It is subtle how it happens though it is never overt and I can never actually see it directly
But only out of the corner of my eye and if I try to grasp it

It slips away

Or perhaps my eyes are always the first to look away….but I think this time it is yours
Because you dance so that nothing is disturbed not growing to the right of us
Or falling back to the left of us

But just right in stasis
Until you show up again
I have lost everything I have ever loved
I will lose love again and again
Nothing can stop this …Nothing can protect me

I am done with dying on purpose

Yet I choose to be hungry for the hunger

I choose you …to find the fulfillment of you in the spaces between us

Not to control, not to contain, not to make nice and neat

Not to strip away everything that you already are
To be filled with creating what we want us to be
To be filled with not looking away, not ignoring not denying
To be filled with occupying the space and expanding my breath
To be filled within the moment for what each moment is with you

No more and no less

To fill myself with you to fill myself with me
To fill myself with life to fill myself with love

Until love leaves and I choose to fill again

Thursday, December 12, 2013

How Love Speaks to Us

There is something is us that cries out to be loved. Isolation deflates us. It completely trashes the human psyche. However, just as love is important it is also just as elusive. We have created a society where we teach our children the trajectory path to happiness is love, marriage and children...exactly in that order. Worse, we have been taught that love is a destination not a journey to be shared. We no longer teach people exactly what love is and how to love. And how could we when we were never taught ourselves? I mean come on you can't teach what you don't know.

It has been discovered that there are five languages of love. You can actually check out the book. It's call the five love languages by Gary Chapman. People show their love by words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service or physical touch. These are the ways that people 'speak' to each other to communicate their love. The problem lies in the fact that if we are unaware of our love language and unaware of our partner's love language then it's like we are speaking two different foreign languages and all that ooey gooey love we felt at the beginning will dissipate and our relationships will fail. The illusion of intimacy evaporates.

Unaware of our partner's love language, people generally take one of two paths. They resign themselves to love an unfulfilled life of misery or they opt out and try again. However, research indicates that a third option is available. That is to recognize that love is a temporary emotional high and once that is over, they now have the opportunity to pursue real love. Love that unites reason with emotion. It requires will and discipline. I asks that you show up for the other person, and to allow yourself to be loved by another person rather than to simply fall in love.

Ultimately this is to recognize that beyond all the chemical reactions that occur in the brain and affect the body when one falls in love, for example, oxytocin plays a role in bonding after sex and vassiprosin is released into the brain during sex to support the pairing of a couple and dopamine... oh our beautiful friend dopamine who keeps that good feeling going...we love dopamine. But I digress. I mean after all this chemical release, love is a choice.

Love is an effort and a discipline and we need to know that it is a responsibility because ultimately that person's life is enriched by our effort to genuinely love them. Furthermore, our lives are genuinely enriched by their effort to love us. This makes me think of the gift of reciprocity. We often forget that what we do has an impact on others.

So I decide to show up for love. I recognize that my love language is a little of all five with a majority falling into physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time and acts of service. That's what people can expect from me, whether it is a best friend, a lover or a husband. That is what I bring to the table. How about you?

Monday, December 9, 2013

How You Love Me For Now..If At All

To love me means to love the ebb and flow of me

To know that I come with my own rhythm

And to be confident enough to add yours to that.

It is easy to love me in the morning when my eyes are still full of dreams and memories of the sex we had in the middle of the night.

But to love me when the dreams fade and bittersweet memories come clouding my eyes and quieting my voice, is a sweetness that I will always remember you for

You don’t even know you love me but you do…at least just a bit or perhaps only in moments

Your love is a stage of love you have never known and have yet to recognize, but with me you might come to realize that what we do is love anew

It is easy to love me when I laugh at your jokes and battle your wits when you challenge psychological dispositions

But love me when I wake up snarky and need caffeine to get out of your bed is that something you can do? You do

It will be easy to love me when I make you dinner like all good Italian girls do and when I let you have your way with me like all ex-Catholic girls do

But loving me when I want to belong to you and you to me for a time before you leave, you think that will be difficult, but, that is just a lie you tell yourself

Maybe you think you are not worthy to love

Maybe you think you are broken

But I think we all are a bit broken and to love in the brokenness is the most beautiful of loves

To love fully for that moment in that moment of each other’s presence is the present that love gifts us with

And then we realize that there is no brokenness we are just stained glass windows

Separate pieces of color creating a whole scene of beauty that is impossible not to love

And this is how you love me

And this is how I love you