Friday, January 10, 2014
I want to tell you that I love you. But you would not understand. It would frighten you into thinking that it means I want to cage you and slap it with labels of ownership. But I love you and that is not what it means. You think I don’t even like you at times. And I suppose you are right. But it does not mean that I do not love you for I love you with all my might.
You should know that I do because I cook for you. I’m Sicilian and love is all about the food. This is how I care for you. I am not filling you with food; I am filling you with my passion, my love my heart.
You should know that I love you because I am constantly touching you. You should know that I love you when my head dips and I look up at you through lowered lashes and my inner thoughts of desire lift up the one corner of my mouth.
You should know that I love you because I keep your pictures in my phone. I repeatedly look at it throughout the day and butterflies light up my stomach. And I tell you how much it makes my day to see you in that distant way.
You should know I love you when I expose my vulnerability to you. When I express my sadness and level of stress and you hear it in my voice that I am not myself and you know that nothing is perfect and you rush to find the words to make everything okay for me. This is how I know you love me even when you do not think it is true or ever could be.
You should know that I love you when I listen to you without interruption while I chop vegetables. I am biting my tongue all the while. I want to fix things for you, but I know that it is more important to listen to what you are trying to tell me without directly telling me.
You know I love you when I am honest with you. When I am blunt and it hurts too much to hear. But most of all you know I love you when I die inside knowing that I hurt your feelings. And I did die because I acted carelessly. And though I’ve apologized a thousand times I will apologize a thousand more because I would never want to hurt you.
You know I love you because I am thankful for you being in my life. You know I love you when I am okay with your opinion that is so different and wrong and beautiful at the same time.
I want to tell you that I love you, but you would not understand. I do not want to cage you and slap you with labels. My love is not that kind. My love is to liberate and educate and learn and have fun. My love is serious and magic all at the same time. My love is to celebrate that I am for you and you are for me and the difference between is where we are free. I want you to love me but I do not think that you can I do not think that you do, but just know that the only thing that matters is that I love you.