I am an MSW, interested in helping people live happier healthier lives. I believe that when people are happy they create a positive ripple effect that creates change not only in others around them but also in the environment in which they live. I believe we all have the ability to live the life we dream. Here you will find ideas, musings and creative expressions that help me achieve a life of balance. I hope they help and inspire you to do the same.
Thursday, November 10, 2016
Just my rambling thought 11.10.2016
People are afraid of change
People catastrophize and go to extremes out of knee jerk fear based thoughts.
People do not like the uncertain future
And the feeling of being out of control.
It's a snowball effect.
People lack the proper ability to communicate and emote effectively when in a fearful state or when biased thoughts cloud and close the mind or when we don't utilize critical thinking skills.
We are all guilty in this. We are all united regarding the above!
Our society is in fight flight or freeze mode that much is clear. I have been talking with some friends, listening to perspectives and options. Some people want to leave the country and are serious about. I even thought about leaving. I urge to to stay. I urge you to not leave others behind, but to stand, stay and do the work.
There are real concerns to be had in the upcoming years. We will have a lot to lear from one another. Our President will have a lot to learn and we need to use our united voices to help him hear and understand us.
I also urge everyone to stop blaming or looking for a source to blame. Blame will only perpetuate fear, anger and hate. Start with accountability, within yourself, your family and other relationships. Heal those areas. Set the example of kindness and understanding. Open your mind to other points of view. Learn to problem solve. We have to meet each other half way. Our future is too valuable to be closed minded. We as people are too valuable to do nothing but shut each other down.
Finally, within all of this, find one or two issues that you feel passionately about and focus on fighting for the best solution, not greediest or self-serving solution but the solution that empowers individuals, lifts us up, unites us as a Human Race.
Some would say that the number one reason why relationships fail is based on money. Some would say that it is has to do with values, or infidelity. Some people say that they don't pay attention to the words that people speak, but rather, a person's actions. I find that to be a lie. I believe that it is communication (what we say and how we say things), he type of, lack of, or even perhaps the fear of communication that make or break relationships. It is only through communication that partners can acquire a deep understanding of and agree on ideals of money, values, relationship goals, needs and wants and how to build a foundation for the love they hope for. People, not just partners, will never be able to collaborate or understand one another if they are not able to effectively communicate. Sounds like it should be simple right? I communicate my needs, you communicate your needs, we come together, solve disagreements, open each other's minds to new perspectives, get closer, bond, fall in love, create a friendship and life is grand. Well, ideally, yes.
However, I find that the thing missing from communication is emotional correctness. What is emotional correctness? Without emotional correctness people take pot shots, and make low blows, at one another with the intention to hurt the other person. They call their beloved partners names, put them down, or point out every negative aspect in order to tear down their self-esteem. This never made sense to me. I have been on the receiving end of this type of communication many times in my recent past, and I always think, "Wow, thank you for pointing out what a horrible person I am, how I am so cold-hearted. You chose me as a partner and a couple of months ago you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. Now I'm a cold-hearted and cutting". Interesting. How people can go from love to hate so quickly is always, more often than not, poor communication and proper expression of emotions.
Emotional correctness is reflected in the tone and feeling of what we say. It's the respect and compassion we show show each other when we share ideas, feelings, or solve differences of opinions. It is not selfish, or self-righteousness, it is not putting someone down to make them hurt the way you hurt, it is not using another person's vulnerabilities as a weapon in an argument later. Emotional correctness allows us to be honest without being unnecessarily hurtful. Emotional boundary setting is also essential for communication with emotional correctness. Learning to communicate boundaries in a clear and consistent way prevents disrespectful communication or at least, allows people to know what you will and will not stand for, and what you will allow. This is not to be rigid, but to be able to identify toxic unhealthy communication styles.
When we don't consider emotional correctness we talk past, and over, each other. We don't hear the other person, we become narrow minded, and closed off to cooperation and problem solving. Without emotional correctness we don't speak with compassion, and we certainly don't feel heard, the intention is to hurt the other person with verbal darts, and gossip. The person on the other side, the receiver, can be shamed in a fright, flight, fight or freeze state. For myself, I spent a great deal of time in the fright and freeze state after being steamrolled in a conversation lacking emotional correctness.
However, taking time to put ego aside, for the sake of understanding with compassion is the first step to supporting a relationship. Living and communicating authentically with yourself and others requires a respect of boundaries, emotional correctness, and trust in relationships. It is certainly not easy, it takes courage and vulnerability. But we must challenge ourselves to find and speak with compassion rather than look for blame, while not taking responsibility for how our words affect others.