Loving Yourself So You Can Love Everyone Else

Loving Yourself So You Can Love Everyone Else

There are a few simple necessities that I need to start my day off right. I have to have a nice warm shower. I need a nice hot cup of early grey tea with honey a splash of milk and a dash of cinnamon and a piece of toast with butter and peanut butter. That is my morning ritual of self-love and happiness. There are two parts of my day that I completely relish. The morning and the evening are my sanctuary, my chance to set the tone for the day and rewrite the ending. Although there are plenty of things to inspire me throughout the day the beginning and the end allow me to settle into my true self. These are the best moments of the day. These are the moments when I can truly focus on self-care and self-love so I am prepared to support others in my life. These are the moments when, as I am sitting, I can finally focus on my breath and truly releasing tension.

You see, when I am stressed I find that I hold my breath a bit. I start breathing shallow breathes from my chest rather than deep full breaths from my diaphragm. I hold tension in my face, my shoulders and my stomach and pelvic area. The mornings and the evening I practice proper breathing and fully relaxing. You would be amazed at the difference this will make in relieving anxiety and proper body function.

You’re Alive but are You Breathing

Proper breath starts with the belly. As you breath in through the nose, take the breath, nice and slow, all the way into your belly as it expands like a balloon. When you are breathing out watch your belly deflate, as you blow the breath out, as if you are blowing out a candle. Inhale again and repeat. As you practice this notice how stressful thoughts melt away as you are solely focusing on inhaling and the exhaling. Notice how your heart rate is now syncing up with your breath. Your hands and feet are becoming warmer as blood flow increases.

You’re Relaxing but are You Releasing 

As you are winding down tonight, or at any point in the day when you are taking some time to yourself (and please do). Take some time to notice where you are holding tension in your body. Focus on your face. Let the tension in your forehead, around your eyes and mouth drop. Let your shoulders drop, that is, move them as far away from your ears as possible. Now put your focus in your gut and pelvic region and let it drop. This one may be a little difficult for some so think about Not holding in your stomach. That’s right; flop that belly out and let it expand.

Flop and Drop Challenge

Today I challenge you to notice where you are holding your tension. Acknowledge that tension and thank it for serving its purpose. Next, I challenge you to try the above techniques. Not only will this help to release the anxiety and stress of the day but also it will bring you back to yourself. As you are busy taking care of others today send some love your own way. 

Love and the Holidays

Love and the Holidays

We all know that holidays can bring out the best and the worst us. Although we all love the nostalgia of getting together, the stress can often get the better of us.

There are meals to prepare, parties to plan, time split between families, and gifts to purchase. Let’s not forget all of the cleaning between the nooks and crannies of your home that you haven’t cleaned all year. It’s also a time that involves donating to charities, shelters and helping the homeless, all in an attempt to experience the joy of giving. All of those things are wonderful but can bring stress to relationships, especially if your partner is not experiencing the joy of your giving. I know my husband, as generous as he is, wishes I would give a little less.

Do you carve out time to share with your partner while making plans to spend with others? Did you know that during the holidays, people get so overwhelmed with so many things going on, that they start to neglect their partners? It is important that while you are planning your parties, charity drives and volunteers efforts, that you include your partner in your planning. Better yet, take time to plan the year’s giving together. Take a peek at the tips below that will help keep you and your partner close during your holiday planning.

Communication and Feedback 

It is easy to forget to incorporate their partner’s feelings. Be open to your partner’s feedback. Communicate your feelings on how you want to spend the holidays. Your partner may want to have time with you alone, while you want to visit family and friends all day. You and your partner need to spend time together.

Don't Get Easily Offended
No two people will always want to do the same things the exact same way. A difference in personalities, attitudes, and values, all play a role in the choices we make. Do not get offended if your partner has a different view on holiday planning. Understand that it is Ok to have a different view, while at the same time having respect for each other's views.

Be Willing to Compromise
Relationships bring together different backgrounds, experiences, attitudes and sometimes cultures. Be willing to work together and come to an agreement on how you will spend your holidays and how much money you may spend and where you will be spending your time. 

Compromising it probably one of the most important keys to a successful holiday season. Holidays are as much about you as they are your family and friends, so make up the rules together. It will only be as stressful as you make it.

Be Mindful of Your Words
During stressful times, individuals can get frustrated and say things they do not really mean. Be sure that you use your words carefully when communicating with your loved one. You cannot take words back and once they hit, are not just painful but can ruin the holiday.

Take Some Time for Yourself

Whether it is quiet time with a cup of tea, a hot bath or exercising, be sure to take time for yourself. This will be a great way to keep stress levels low and roll with the punches. Furthermore, it will keep you and your loved ones from getting punchy or snarky with each other. 

Spend Time with Your Spouse/Partner
In all of your planning be sure you include spending time with your partner. Do not forget that you need some time for just each other. No children, no in-laws, no out-laws, and no friends, just the two of you. Taking time to enjoy each other will strengthen your relationship and promote happiness and balance.

Happy Heart  Holiday Challenge

You and your partner can each make a list of priorities. For example, if you have a lot of places to visit then each of you will make a list of where you would like to go first, second, third and so on. Share you list each other and find your middle ground. If you both agree that going to the out of town place has high priority then go there first. Whatever you agree to stick too it and then breathe! You have it all figured out and from there it is just easy going. Don’t be afraid to mix it up. There is nothing wrong with deciding to nix the family and friend celebration and just have a quiet holiday celebration for two. Happy Holidays Everyone, I wish you a fantastic and very lovely season! 

Giving Negative Nancy the Boot

Giving Negative Nancy the Boot 

What you focus on becomes your reality. Our thoughts become our lives. Furthermore, we become our thoughts. Okay, now really let this idea soak into the brain.

I’m writing about this today because on Black Friday I took part in an online treasure hunt and trivia game to win prizes from an online store (who shall remain nameless because I couldn't get a hold of them for permission to publish their name). There were not too many people playing, just enough to create a fun competition. As time went on, I won a five-dollar gift certificate and a candle. I was so excited, because one, I love winning and two it rarely happens.

Everyone was having fun and cheering each other on, yet one person decided to make a comment that the shop owner had favorites and that there was not enough notice given to her, which is why she wasn’t winning any prizes. Negative Nancy, came in full force to blame others, feel sorry for herself and play the victim and throwing around a general nastiness. When suggestions were given to her (and yes, that would be from me) that she could sign up for a newsletter to get all the latest news she complained that no one posted a link to the newsletter. She couldn’t possibly take the responsibility to look it up herself like everyone else did; rather, she believed it was other’s responsibility to hold her hand. Therefore, it wasn’t her fault that she couldn’t receive the newsletter. Ultimately, and since no one else replied to her, she gave up and discontinued playing. 

The truth is that there was plenty of notice in several forms and the shop owner was playing by the rules she created. The truth is that Negative Nancy lives in a life of learned helplessness and entitlement. Her negativity has crippled her and the only way she can feel better is to spread her anger to others. Now at this point I will admit that I should not have responded to her, but being the Amazon of Truth that I like to think I am, I could not resist. My bad. 

What we often forget, myself included, is that our every thought, our self-talk and what we say out loud creates our present and our future. For example, how many times have you said or heard a friend say, “Life sucks”, only to feel depressed, angry and have run after run of bad luck? How many times have you walked into work thinking, “I hate my job” or “my boss sucks”, only to continuously have bad day after bad day? Ultimately, these thoughts are blaming others for your misfortunes, when you have the ability to improve your life with your thoughts. This even extends to how we view and think about ourselves. With thoughts like, "Ugh, I hate my thighs" or, "I'm so fat" one might drown their sorrows in food, or, find it difficult to get motivated to exercise. 

Often times I look at people who are positive and happy in their lives. Everything for them seems to come easily and naturally. I see that they do not blame others for their misfortunes. They talk positively and with gratitude for what they do have. They do not feel as like a victim, but rather that life is a gift and an adventure to which they look forward. Most of all, they choose to find the positive in every situation. 

Now, let me say this: We cannot stop our thoughts. The subconscious is constantly going. However, it is the conscious thoughts that we can recognize and alter. That is to say, that when we start to think negatively towards life, others and ourselves, stop for a moment. Observe that thought. Why did this come forward? How do we feel when we go to that dark place? Think about what kind of tone that will set for the rest of your day and if that is what you truly desire. My best guess, is that when people judge, condemn and criticize it is because people believe it will make them feel better. However, I can promise you that the opposite is true. 

The Negative Nancy Snub Challenge

Create five affirmations of what you want more of or less of in your life. Write, read and repeat them several times throughout the day every day for a week. The make note either to you yourself or written down of any changes that you experience.

For myself, “I am excited to experience the positive changes that life has in store for me”, or, “I experience a positive internship with mentors who want to help me succeed ”.  Find what works for you, stick with it and let me know about the changes that you see in you life as a result. You might start feeling softer toward yourself, excited about life, or you might begin to feel more confident than before. Don’t be afraid of the changes and don’t let the Negative Nancy’s in the world rain on your parade. 

Finding Balance During the Holidays

Finding Balance During the Holidays

November 21, 2012

A few years ago my husband and I decided to take control of our holiday season. Between the two of us we had three families to visit. Each one living in complete opposite direction of the other. We also had several friends who were hosting. Add the fact that I worked during the holidays and wanted to host myself, the stress and worry was just way too much. We finally decided to take the holidays back in our own hands. So I wanted to share with you what helps us during this time. I hope it helps you as well. 

Don't over commit 

We are very much like circuit boards in this respect. Over committing goes hand in hand with overloading. Imagine each commitment we make lighting up on the board. Each light uses a certain amount of energy or stress. 1, 2, 3 commitments and we are feeling okay with that. We can handle that. However, 4,5,6 commitments and the lights start blinking, warning us of overload. Once that happens the joy of the holiday is gone. We are then, unable to focus on just being present. Only commit to what you can actually handle. Sit down and reflect on what is realistic for your personal life. At this moment you have permission to limit your obligations. You don't owe your holiday's to anyone. Accepting this alone will relieve a lot of stress. I can honestly say that my husband and I love every single holiday, once we took back our control. 

Be present 

Be sure to be in the moment.  If you forget something chances are nobody will miss it. Get out of your head. If you get an inkling that feelings of stress are starting to make you feel frazzled, stop what you are doing. Go outside, in a quiet space if possible and take a couple of deep breaths. It's even better if you can take your shoes off and stand with your bare feet on the ground. Standing with our feet on the ground instantly brings us back to center. Focusing on our breath does the same thing while pushing everything else out for a bit. 

You want to breathe from the diaphragm. Imagine your belly blowing up like a balloon on the inhale and concaving like your blowing out a candle slowly on the exhale. 

Be grateful 

I know this goes without saying. However, I can't tell you how many times I have gone to holiday gatherings, or have hosted one, and have not been Thanked. Even better, it is always a beautiful gesture to help with the clean up after everyone has finished eating. Again, I grew up in family where everyone pitched in. We never came to a house empty handed, we helped to set the table, and clean up afterwards. This will mean a world of joy to the host and hostess. Mind, you don't have to bring food. Wine or flowers or a beautiful candle are all appropriate gifts for the host. 

Self Care:

Note: you can include your kids in all of these. Getting them involved takes the stress off of you. 

Exercise- Even if it is just stretching. Anything that will restore you. Work out the stress. For some this may mean doing some yoga (my personal favorite) before going to someone's house. Or you can incorporate into your holiday traditions. As a child we would visit my aunt who lived in a beautiful mountain town. At some point during the day some of the adults would take a short walk, with kids trailing and playing in tow. It's a great way to clear the energy and the head during the day. 

 Sleep- You definitely want to make sure you are getting enough sleep. If you are not well rested you will not be at your best. This makes it easier to keep up with the day's activities. It also keeps the stress monster away.  

Water - This is probably your most underestimated tool for keeping you feeling balanced. Water nourishes our bodies and our brains. Our brains rely on water to function properly. From getting enough sleep to problem solving water is essential to our efficiency. During the holiday season there is so much to remember and water is key to memory function. One trick I use when I start feeling anxious about something is to breathe through my nose while drinking water (not guzzling) for a count of ten. I instantly feel relaxed.

Time management- For many people the holiday is just one more thing to add on top of an already busy schedule. This means that things can get out of control really fast. We all have used lists at some point. I imagine that many of us always take a list to the grocery store. I don't know of one mom who doesn't. Well, lists are not just for grocery shopping.To do lists, as well as, where you are going lists and when, will help you stay on track and keep overload at bay. Leave your house with plenty of time to spare so you don't feel panicked when you are on the road. 

Let It Go

At some point you have to remember to keep things in perspective. It's okay if you forget something. I have hosted Thanksgiving dinners where I actually forgot to make two of the dishes I had planned. You know what? Nobody even noticed and if they did they certainly didn't make mention. It's okay if you don't get complete everything. Got a run in you nylons? Take them off and throw them out. Haven't showered and guests are arriving? Laugh it off graciously and put them to work while you get prepared. Some one shows up early and you're cleaning the house? Hand them a feather duster and it will get done faster. Or you can leave it and sit down with a drink. Show up late? Make sure you bring flowers and a big big hug and a smile. And leave the drama at the door. 

Finally and most of all, the holiday does not have to be Leave it to Beaver, Martha Stewart Perfect. It can be what you want. If something doesn't go right laugh and don't fret, you'll have next year to do it over. By summer it won't even be a blip on your radar.  Ultimately, your in charge of your holiday. Slow it down and love every minute of it. 

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Life Surfing

Life Surfing 

November 20, 2012

This week I attended a Soroptomist meeting that was focused on teen esteem. Much of the focus was to bring awareness to teenage girls about the dangers of drug use, alcoholism, sex trafficking and sexual irresponsibility. It was amazing! Imagine a room full of 130+ girls and let out of school for a day to attend this conference. They were all very lovely and bursting with talent and potential. 

The general theme of the presentations revolved around how often feelings of loneliness, boredom, neglect and fear are the emotions that lead many teens to trouble. Furthermore, many youth do not have the resources or necessary support to encourage them through life’s changes. As I spent my time at the conference, I realized that learning how to effectively deal with change is one of the best skills that a teen could acquire when moving into adulthood. It is often a skill that many never acquire.

Life Surfing:  I liken change to the waves of the ocean. Change is something you can always count on and can never prevent. However, if you are not paying attention or if you don’t know how to stand up and balance yourself, that wave of change will knock you down. Although being knocked down is essential in learning how to get up, it is not a cycle that one wants to repeat. Otherwise, the next thing you know, life is swirling all around you. 

Waves of change should also not be taken personally. It is silly to think that a wave hits us out of spite. It doesn’t make sense to say “oh, that rude wave meant to hit me, it knocked me down on purpose”. Instead, we see a wave crashing and instantly understand that the wave is doing what waves do naturally. However, it is not natural for us to stay in one place while life moves forward. Yet, for some reason people are often resistant to change. 

At this point many of you are already feeling the pulling silent scream inside saying, “ I don’t want to change! It’s too scary!” However, I invite you to embrace change and ride those waves to the shore.

Surfing Lesson

Today, I challenge you to make the decision to learn how to surf. Create a written intention that reflects this new belief, such as:

I open my life to all the adventures that come with change.

I look forward to the next adventure that life has in store for me.

Think about some of the changes that are coming into your life or changes that you may be resistant toward. Look at that change and ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that can happen if I learn to surf this wave?”

Focus on one change that you want to make that will change your life for the better and break it down into manageable steps. For example, someone wanting to loose weight might want to start with making small healthy changes to their diet, such as, drinking an extra glass of water, adding an extra vegetable or reducing sugar. Then take another step such as parking farther away in the parking lots in order to get extra exercise.

By embracing change step by step you will achieve your goals sooner than you think. Accepting change will become easier than you imagined. Make a new standard for living this week and see what happens, before you know it you’ll be surfing like a pro.

When You Can't Taste the Lemonade Through the Lemons

  November 6, 2012                  

                                

 When you can't taste the lemonade through the lemons

Many of us are still struggling to recover from job loss. Many people are still facing job loss, or are just unable to find a job, seal the deal or just become motivated to try again after many rejections. Perhaps you are not in this category. Perhaps you are on disability and your situation is just getting you down. Whatever your reason for frustration and disappointment, the fact remains that sometimes it is just plain difficult to remain optimistic. It is at this moment when the forward momentum becomes threatened. 

It has always been my belief that life’s disappointments, I prefer to call them challenges, may in fact be preparation for something even more significant in our lives. This belief has the best chance of coming true when you make a demonstrated commitment to learn and grow from your present day circumstances. I know from experience that what I continue to put my focus on is often what I seem to get in life.  I have had my fair share of challenges in the last four months. Looking ahead I know there is more to come, it seems I have a slight addiction to challenge. However, the belief of  "challenges as preparation" is something I hold near and dear to my heart. I know that the purpose of it is to use what I've learned as a way to help others. To pay the lesson forward. 

So take heart and think about it. What challenge is calling you to action? What are you being invited to learn? What qualities of character will be strengthened or developed? 

 ~*~ Make it Happen Challenge ~*~

Choose one thing that you feel disappointed about, frustrated by, or fearful of and if there is more than one thing repeat this for each frustration. Now, ask yourself the following questions:

1. If this were happening to help strengthen a part of me, which part would it be?

2. What lesson can I learn from this experience?

3. How is facing this obstacle teaching me important skills that can be used to help others?

Holiday Happiness: Control Your Holiday Season, Don't Let it Control You!

As I sit her writing this the clock continues to tick down to the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas are growing painfully close, a week away as a matter of fact. While it’s time to start mentally planning the dinner, and days to follow as we are hosting company from out of town, I have yet to truly settle on anything other than pork tenderloin. I should say conceded to pork tenderloin because truly it was my husband’s decision. Aside from the food and the decoration I, like many of you, am focusing on whom I will be spending my holidays with.

A friend of mine recently stated how happy she was that she loves the people she spends her holidays with and that this allows her to look forward to the holidays; rather than being one of those people who dread the holidays, as well as their families. I have to agree with her.

My husband and I have had our own experience with snags in our family blankets. Very early on in our marriage we sat down and discussed how important it was for us to spend the holidays, not only with people we love, but who love us as well. As only children with three sets of parents and extended family and friends, the first two years together found us struggling to determine who we would celebrated with and when; leaving us thoroughly exhausted and snarky.

After one particularly stressful and unhappy holiday season we sat down at the dining room table and decided: Never Again! We wanted to enjoy the season with warm nostalgic memories of fun and love. We listed people who we loved being around. We listed people who made us feel loved and wanted, who were actually interested in what we were doing and what we had to say rather than getting glossy eyed as soon as we opened our mouths or put on a fake smile to be polite. While talking we realized something that, I believe very few people realize. We have complete and total control over how we spend our holidays and how we let the holidays affect our mood and our lives.

Since then we have hosted holiday dinners strictly for people that would normally be considered as friends by other, but who are considered family by us. We have been fortunate enough to go to dinners where we have met our friends’ parents, and have. We have had dinners that only included our parents, giving them a rest from hosting. We have even gone to Mexico for the holidays. But most importantly, we have redefined the term family to fit our own needs for a rich and fulfilling life, we have redefined tradition and have torn down the unhealthy belief of what one must do during the holidays and replaced it with the idea of what one could do. And by doing so we are able to come home tired, full, happy and feeling like the richest people on Earth.

So my challenge to you all who are reading this, and I thank you for reading this, is to sit down with your self, your significant other, your family, and decide to take that courageous step to spend the holidays the way you want to and with who you want to. You don’t have to explain yourself; you don’t have to feel guilty. In fact I give you permission to be guilt free. But you do have to challenge yourself to be happy. Go on, don’t be a turkey…I dare you.