Giving Negative Nancy the Boot

Giving Negative Nancy the Boot 

What you focus on becomes your reality. Our thoughts become our lives. Furthermore, we become our thoughts. Okay, now really let this idea soak into the brain.

I’m writing about this today because on Black Friday I took part in an online treasure hunt and trivia game to win prizes from an online store (who shall remain nameless because I couldn't get a hold of them for permission to publish their name). There were not too many people playing, just enough to create a fun competition. As time went on, I won a five-dollar gift certificate and a candle. I was so excited, because one, I love winning and two it rarely happens.

Everyone was having fun and cheering each other on, yet one person decided to make a comment that the shop owner had favorites and that there was not enough notice given to her, which is why she wasn’t winning any prizes. Negative Nancy, came in full force to blame others, feel sorry for herself and play the victim and throwing around a general nastiness. When suggestions were given to her (and yes, that would be from me) that she could sign up for a newsletter to get all the latest news she complained that no one posted a link to the newsletter. She couldn’t possibly take the responsibility to look it up herself like everyone else did; rather, she believed it was other’s responsibility to hold her hand. Therefore, it wasn’t her fault that she couldn’t receive the newsletter. Ultimately, and since no one else replied to her, she gave up and discontinued playing. 

The truth is that there was plenty of notice in several forms and the shop owner was playing by the rules she created. The truth is that Negative Nancy lives in a life of learned helplessness and entitlement. Her negativity has crippled her and the only way she can feel better is to spread her anger to others. Now at this point I will admit that I should not have responded to her, but being the Amazon of Truth that I like to think I am, I could not resist. My bad. 

What we often forget, myself included, is that our every thought, our self-talk and what we say out loud creates our present and our future. For example, how many times have you said or heard a friend say, “Life sucks”, only to feel depressed, angry and have run after run of bad luck? How many times have you walked into work thinking, “I hate my job” or “my boss sucks”, only to continuously have bad day after bad day? Ultimately, these thoughts are blaming others for your misfortunes, when you have the ability to improve your life with your thoughts. This even extends to how we view and think about ourselves. With thoughts like, "Ugh, I hate my thighs" or, "I'm so fat" one might drown their sorrows in food, or, find it difficult to get motivated to exercise. 

Often times I look at people who are positive and happy in their lives. Everything for them seems to come easily and naturally. I see that they do not blame others for their misfortunes. They talk positively and with gratitude for what they do have. They do not feel as like a victim, but rather that life is a gift and an adventure to which they look forward. Most of all, they choose to find the positive in every situation. 

Now, let me say this: We cannot stop our thoughts. The subconscious is constantly going. However, it is the conscious thoughts that we can recognize and alter. That is to say, that when we start to think negatively towards life, others and ourselves, stop for a moment. Observe that thought. Why did this come forward? How do we feel when we go to that dark place? Think about what kind of tone that will set for the rest of your day and if that is what you truly desire. My best guess, is that when people judge, condemn and criticize it is because people believe it will make them feel better. However, I can promise you that the opposite is true. 

The Negative Nancy Snub Challenge

Create five affirmations of what you want more of or less of in your life. Write, read and repeat them several times throughout the day every day for a week. The make note either to you yourself or written down of any changes that you experience.

For myself, “I am excited to experience the positive changes that life has in store for me”, or, “I experience a positive internship with mentors who want to help me succeed ”.  Find what works for you, stick with it and let me know about the changes that you see in you life as a result. You might start feeling softer toward yourself, excited about life, or you might begin to feel more confident than before. Don’t be afraid of the changes and don’t let the Negative Nancy’s in the world rain on your parade. 

Finding Balance During the Holidays

Finding Balance During the Holidays

November 21, 2012

A few years ago my husband and I decided to take control of our holiday season. Between the two of us we had three families to visit. Each one living in complete opposite direction of the other. We also had several friends who were hosting. Add the fact that I worked during the holidays and wanted to host myself, the stress and worry was just way too much. We finally decided to take the holidays back in our own hands. So I wanted to share with you what helps us during this time. I hope it helps you as well. 

Don't over commit 

We are very much like circuit boards in this respect. Over committing goes hand in hand with overloading. Imagine each commitment we make lighting up on the board. Each light uses a certain amount of energy or stress. 1, 2, 3 commitments and we are feeling okay with that. We can handle that. However, 4,5,6 commitments and the lights start blinking, warning us of overload. Once that happens the joy of the holiday is gone. We are then, unable to focus on just being present. Only commit to what you can actually handle. Sit down and reflect on what is realistic for your personal life. At this moment you have permission to limit your obligations. You don't owe your holiday's to anyone. Accepting this alone will relieve a lot of stress. I can honestly say that my husband and I love every single holiday, once we took back our control. 

Be present 

Be sure to be in the moment.  If you forget something chances are nobody will miss it. Get out of your head. If you get an inkling that feelings of stress are starting to make you feel frazzled, stop what you are doing. Go outside, in a quiet space if possible and take a couple of deep breaths. It's even better if you can take your shoes off and stand with your bare feet on the ground. Standing with our feet on the ground instantly brings us back to center. Focusing on our breath does the same thing while pushing everything else out for a bit. 

You want to breathe from the diaphragm. Imagine your belly blowing up like a balloon on the inhale and concaving like your blowing out a candle slowly on the exhale. 

Be grateful 

I know this goes without saying. However, I can't tell you how many times I have gone to holiday gatherings, or have hosted one, and have not been Thanked. Even better, it is always a beautiful gesture to help with the clean up after everyone has finished eating. Again, I grew up in family where everyone pitched in. We never came to a house empty handed, we helped to set the table, and clean up afterwards. This will mean a world of joy to the host and hostess. Mind, you don't have to bring food. Wine or flowers or a beautiful candle are all appropriate gifts for the host. 

Self Care:

Note: you can include your kids in all of these. Getting them involved takes the stress off of you. 

Exercise- Even if it is just stretching. Anything that will restore you. Work out the stress. For some this may mean doing some yoga (my personal favorite) before going to someone's house. Or you can incorporate into your holiday traditions. As a child we would visit my aunt who lived in a beautiful mountain town. At some point during the day some of the adults would take a short walk, with kids trailing and playing in tow. It's a great way to clear the energy and the head during the day. 

 Sleep- You definitely want to make sure you are getting enough sleep. If you are not well rested you will not be at your best. This makes it easier to keep up with the day's activities. It also keeps the stress monster away.  

Water - This is probably your most underestimated tool for keeping you feeling balanced. Water nourishes our bodies and our brains. Our brains rely on water to function properly. From getting enough sleep to problem solving water is essential to our efficiency. During the holiday season there is so much to remember and water is key to memory function. One trick I use when I start feeling anxious about something is to breathe through my nose while drinking water (not guzzling) for a count of ten. I instantly feel relaxed.

Time management- For many people the holiday is just one more thing to add on top of an already busy schedule. This means that things can get out of control really fast. We all have used lists at some point. I imagine that many of us always take a list to the grocery store. I don't know of one mom who doesn't. Well, lists are not just for grocery shopping.To do lists, as well as, where you are going lists and when, will help you stay on track and keep overload at bay. Leave your house with plenty of time to spare so you don't feel panicked when you are on the road. 

Let It Go

At some point you have to remember to keep things in perspective. It's okay if you forget something. I have hosted Thanksgiving dinners where I actually forgot to make two of the dishes I had planned. You know what? Nobody even noticed and if they did they certainly didn't make mention. It's okay if you don't get complete everything. Got a run in you nylons? Take them off and throw them out. Haven't showered and guests are arriving? Laugh it off graciously and put them to work while you get prepared. Some one shows up early and you're cleaning the house? Hand them a feather duster and it will get done faster. Or you can leave it and sit down with a drink. Show up late? Make sure you bring flowers and a big big hug and a smile. And leave the drama at the door. 

Finally and most of all, the holiday does not have to be Leave it to Beaver, Martha Stewart Perfect. It can be what you want. If something doesn't go right laugh and don't fret, you'll have next year to do it over. By summer it won't even be a blip on your radar.  Ultimately, your in charge of your holiday. Slow it down and love every minute of it. 

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Life Surfing

Life Surfing 

November 20, 2012

This week I attended a Soroptomist meeting that was focused on teen esteem. Much of the focus was to bring awareness to teenage girls about the dangers of drug use, alcoholism, sex trafficking and sexual irresponsibility. It was amazing! Imagine a room full of 130+ girls and let out of school for a day to attend this conference. They were all very lovely and bursting with talent and potential. 

The general theme of the presentations revolved around how often feelings of loneliness, boredom, neglect and fear are the emotions that lead many teens to trouble. Furthermore, many youth do not have the resources or necessary support to encourage them through life’s changes. As I spent my time at the conference, I realized that learning how to effectively deal with change is one of the best skills that a teen could acquire when moving into adulthood. It is often a skill that many never acquire.

Life Surfing:  I liken change to the waves of the ocean. Change is something you can always count on and can never prevent. However, if you are not paying attention or if you don’t know how to stand up and balance yourself, that wave of change will knock you down. Although being knocked down is essential in learning how to get up, it is not a cycle that one wants to repeat. Otherwise, the next thing you know, life is swirling all around you. 

Waves of change should also not be taken personally. It is silly to think that a wave hits us out of spite. It doesn’t make sense to say “oh, that rude wave meant to hit me, it knocked me down on purpose”. Instead, we see a wave crashing and instantly understand that the wave is doing what waves do naturally. However, it is not natural for us to stay in one place while life moves forward. Yet, for some reason people are often resistant to change. 

At this point many of you are already feeling the pulling silent scream inside saying, “ I don’t want to change! It’s too scary!” However, I invite you to embrace change and ride those waves to the shore.

Surfing Lesson

Today, I challenge you to make the decision to learn how to surf. Create a written intention that reflects this new belief, such as:

I open my life to all the adventures that come with change.

I look forward to the next adventure that life has in store for me.

Think about some of the changes that are coming into your life or changes that you may be resistant toward. Look at that change and ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that can happen if I learn to surf this wave?”

Focus on one change that you want to make that will change your life for the better and break it down into manageable steps. For example, someone wanting to loose weight might want to start with making small healthy changes to their diet, such as, drinking an extra glass of water, adding an extra vegetable or reducing sugar. Then take another step such as parking farther away in the parking lots in order to get extra exercise.

By embracing change step by step you will achieve your goals sooner than you think. Accepting change will become easier than you imagined. Make a new standard for living this week and see what happens, before you know it you’ll be surfing like a pro.

When You Can't Taste the Lemonade Through the Lemons

  November 6, 2012                  

                                

 When you can't taste the lemonade through the lemons

Many of us are still struggling to recover from job loss. Many people are still facing job loss, or are just unable to find a job, seal the deal or just become motivated to try again after many rejections. Perhaps you are not in this category. Perhaps you are on disability and your situation is just getting you down. Whatever your reason for frustration and disappointment, the fact remains that sometimes it is just plain difficult to remain optimistic. It is at this moment when the forward momentum becomes threatened. 

It has always been my belief that life’s disappointments, I prefer to call them challenges, may in fact be preparation for something even more significant in our lives. This belief has the best chance of coming true when you make a demonstrated commitment to learn and grow from your present day circumstances. I know from experience that what I continue to put my focus on is often what I seem to get in life.  I have had my fair share of challenges in the last four months. Looking ahead I know there is more to come, it seems I have a slight addiction to challenge. However, the belief of  "challenges as preparation" is something I hold near and dear to my heart. I know that the purpose of it is to use what I've learned as a way to help others. To pay the lesson forward. 

So take heart and think about it. What challenge is calling you to action? What are you being invited to learn? What qualities of character will be strengthened or developed? 

 ~*~ Make it Happen Challenge ~*~

Choose one thing that you feel disappointed about, frustrated by, or fearful of and if there is more than one thing repeat this for each frustration. Now, ask yourself the following questions:

1. If this were happening to help strengthen a part of me, which part would it be?

2. What lesson can I learn from this experience?

3. How is facing this obstacle teaching me important skills that can be used to help others?

Holiday Happiness: Control Your Holiday Season, Don't Let it Control You!

As I sit her writing this the clock continues to tick down to the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas are growing painfully close, a week away as a matter of fact. While it’s time to start mentally planning the dinner, and days to follow as we are hosting company from out of town, I have yet to truly settle on anything other than pork tenderloin. I should say conceded to pork tenderloin because truly it was my husband’s decision. Aside from the food and the decoration I, like many of you, am focusing on whom I will be spending my holidays with.

A friend of mine recently stated how happy she was that she loves the people she spends her holidays with and that this allows her to look forward to the holidays; rather than being one of those people who dread the holidays, as well as their families. I have to agree with her.

My husband and I have had our own experience with snags in our family blankets. Very early on in our marriage we sat down and discussed how important it was for us to spend the holidays, not only with people we love, but who love us as well. As only children with three sets of parents and extended family and friends, the first two years together found us struggling to determine who we would celebrated with and when; leaving us thoroughly exhausted and snarky.

After one particularly stressful and unhappy holiday season we sat down at the dining room table and decided: Never Again! We wanted to enjoy the season with warm nostalgic memories of fun and love. We listed people who we loved being around. We listed people who made us feel loved and wanted, who were actually interested in what we were doing and what we had to say rather than getting glossy eyed as soon as we opened our mouths or put on a fake smile to be polite. While talking we realized something that, I believe very few people realize. We have complete and total control over how we spend our holidays and how we let the holidays affect our mood and our lives.

Since then we have hosted holiday dinners strictly for people that would normally be considered as friends by other, but who are considered family by us. We have been fortunate enough to go to dinners where we have met our friends’ parents, and have. We have had dinners that only included our parents, giving them a rest from hosting. We have even gone to Mexico for the holidays. But most importantly, we have redefined the term family to fit our own needs for a rich and fulfilling life, we have redefined tradition and have torn down the unhealthy belief of what one must do during the holidays and replaced it with the idea of what one could do. And by doing so we are able to come home tired, full, happy and feeling like the richest people on Earth.

So my challenge to you all who are reading this, and I thank you for reading this, is to sit down with your self, your significant other, your family, and decide to take that courageous step to spend the holidays the way you want to and with who you want to. You don’t have to explain yourself; you don’t have to feel guilty. In fact I give you permission to be guilt free. But you do have to challenge yourself to be happy. Go on, don’t be a turkey…I dare you. 

Taking Time to Close Down the Day

From the beginning of time, a richly colored twinge of dusk touching the eastern horizon, the lengthening of shadows, and the appearance of the evening’s first star have let us know that it was time to rest, relax, and retire from the pressures of the day. For human beings and other living things that tend to be most active in daylight, evenings can be less hectic and more relaxing, as we prepare for sleep and spend quality time with our loved ones. But evenings are about much more than dinner and the feel of a cool, soft pillow. Evenings are a wonderful time to catalog the events of the day without distraction, to revel in gentle solitude or silence, to end the day in serenity, and to commune with your inner self.

There are many ways to turn the evening into a nurturing and soul enriching experience. A simple stroll through the realms of dusk and darkness can show you two different worlds: one winding down and one just coming to life. In the evening, the sounds we humans make begin to diminish, and the sounds of earth’s more nocturnal creatures and nature itself become more apparent. As night slowly falls, scents change, and the smell of the soil and greenery become magnified. Sky gazing in the evenings can be a meditative activity – one that reminds us that we are only one part of an infinitely complex and vast universe. Each night, the different phases of the moon show us the passage of time and the waxing and waning of life, as its glowing visage – whether in the shape of a circle, crescent, or a smile –bathes the world in an ethereal, wistful glow.

As crickets chirp and night birds cry out, evening rituals and routines can make your day feel complete, help you unwind from the day’s busyness, and pave the way for rejuvenating sleep. Rituals and routines help you say goodnight to the present day, so you can look forward to the next one. While the sun sets, try doing a series of stretches, lighting some candles, or watching the daylight fade. The soothing, natural beauty of each evening can be your backdrop, as you meditate, quiet your soul, and relax into the peace and stillness that can be found at day’s end.  

Life Crisis and Intervention

I have just completed my last two classes for my B.S. degree in Psychology. My last class was Crisis and Intervention and I realized just how many times people are in crisis every day. From big crises to little ones. We all face them just the same. However, while some people are more resilient and bounce back and move on some are not.

Many people these days are struggling and often times one small crisis is easily turned into a big one, or even worse, like a snowball rolling down hill one thing gathers another until the crisis seems so catastrophic that the person can see no solution at all...only darkness. In my job I talk with the public every day and I realize that more people than ever are struggling to over come life challenges they never thought they would have to face. I listened as men and women shared stories of having to work overtime without extra pay just to keep their jobs, families who are worried about losing their homes, or business owners who have watched their income drop dramatically over the last few months while expenses have increased at the same time. Men and women who have Masters and Doctorate degrees who have lost their jobs due to the economic crash, are now living on food stamps and selling the homes they have worked so hard to build. Our station and status in life does not matter. What does matter is that we are all affected, we are all being challenged.

What do we do when faced with a life crisis? How do we deal with the fear and anxiety that wreaks havoc in our minds? I don't have all the answers, but,  I do know what it's like to be gripped by fear, to be woken in the middle of the night by racing, anxious thoughts, or to be so overwhelmed by responsibilities that I think I can't sleep. These experiences have taught me a few things that have made a positive difference in my life and I'm hoping they might help you, too.

Affirm good in your life. While I know it can be hard to believe that things will be okay, especially when you feel you have no control over your life. However, when you're in the thick of it, it's critical to take control of your thinking. This is the one thing that you can control. When I'm afraid or worried, I remind myself that my thoughts always precede my fear and anxiety. In order for me to feel afraid, for example, I first have to think fearful thoughts. These are the What If Thoughts of things that haven't even happened yet. So, to counteract this psuedo-reality, I start my day by planting good thoughts in my mind. I fill one page in my journal with spontaneous, positive affirmations and thoughts of gratitude. Here are some of my favorites (feel free to borrow them :


Good things are always coming my way and I welcome them with open arms.
I have people in my life who love me and are willing to help me.
Success loves me and I look forward to being successful.
I look for opportunities to help those less fortunate than me.
The Universe loves me and supports me in every moment.
In this moment I have all that I need.
Even though I'm not rich right now, I am grateful for the job that allows me to eat.
I am so grateful, I have a place to live. Thank you thank you thank you!

Done forget You are not alone! Please don't suffer in silence. If you're out of work and need a job, ask the people in your life to help you brainstorm ideas. If you're a business owner who needs to increase sales, be sure to let your friends and neighbors know, or create a business networking group like Le Tip or join one if you have it in your area. If you're worried about the basics like food, shelter, or healthcare, please call upon the support services in your community. The only thing that prevents us from asking for help is our ego and our pride and this can be the most detrimental thing we can do. It is not shameful to admit that we need help. In fact it is a sign of strength. 

Take action
 This week, do one thing every day to affirm the abundance that exists in your life, or acknowledge the ways that your life is improving or delivering to you what you need most. And, look for one person to support as well. Be open to receive and anxious to give. Accept a compliment graciously, help a stranger unexpectedly and without concern for receiving anything in return. Do this regularly and you'll be surprised at the way your life will change for the better.