Monday, December 16, 2013

Learning and Unlearning

I have been starving myself for a long time in many ways
The loss is a cleansing of sorts that has left me dazed and in disbelief
But this is what I am learning

I am saying yes and I am saying no
I am refusing starvation and deprivation of the soul
I can clearly see the historical timeline leading up to now

And then there is you

Filling and feeding and teaching me your way a new way
You directly defy all that I know about the world in which we live
About the way things are done
You look at me and you instantly become the object of my desire
And the rest of the world disappears

But I should never want anything myself and I would never want to contain you

I shall never seek to own you… own that which is not mine to own
Although, admittedly I dream of sharing a toaster with you
I dream of sharing a bedroom with a closet that contains my clothes and yours…but I digress
That is most likely just a dream and I could only be so lucky
But my luck has not run that way for quite some time

With you I am learning and I am unlearning

And I am trying to stay safe, I adapt to the chaos of you in a haphazard and dangerous way
And I feel alive and as if I am suffocating and breathing at the same time
It would be easy to minimize the growing pains that loss and fulfillment brings
It would be easy to minimize the hunger that grows

Because the hunger will eat me alive

I cannot stop things from leaving me or being taken from me
I cannot stop from falling in something with you
I cannot stop the pain that I will feel when you take that something away from me
I dream that you never will.. but with my luck you will

I have not been loved in a very long time my luck does not run that way
and it will not be until all of my luck runs out that I will ever be loved again
It is subtle how it happens though it is never overt and I can never actually see it directly
But only out of the corner of my eye and if I try to grasp it

It slips away

Or perhaps my eyes are always the first to look away….but I think this time it is yours
Because you dance so that nothing is disturbed not growing to the right of us
Or falling back to the left of us

But just right in stasis
Until you show up again
I have lost everything I have ever loved
I will lose love again and again
Nothing can stop this …Nothing can protect me

I am done with dying on purpose

Yet I choose to be hungry for the hunger

I choose you …to find the fulfillment of you in the spaces between us

Not to control, not to contain, not to make nice and neat

Not to strip away everything that you already are
To be filled with creating what we want us to be
To be filled with not looking away, not ignoring not denying
To be filled with occupying the space and expanding my breath
To be filled within the moment for what each moment is with you

No more and no less

To fill myself with you to fill myself with me
To fill myself with life to fill myself with love

Until love leaves and I choose to fill again

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